Sujoy speaks

I can’t recall how many times I have had this feeling. It’s almost like deja vu.
Heights have a drastic effects on the psyche of all. Some relate it to power, glory. Some relate it to a sense of betterness, superiority. To me, height has always been .. a medium, a preposterous deceitful lure. I have been to all suicide points .. its like being home .. imagining what it would be like .. this feeling of freefall .. and a void at the end of it .. It attracts me to it. It is a fatal attraction, constant and unnerving at times. All I think of when in elevators is how it would feel, when I am up there. That is what makes it a wound. A wound on the top of your mouth, which would heal itself, if you stop tounging it, but you can’t. And it grows, grows on your reluctance and yet inability to give in.
I have talked to my shrink about it. At first, she used to think it is acrophilia of some sorts, thats what made me an interesting case. She used to take interest in me. I was a one-off case. But, it all unfurled slowly to her.
She says its a sign of clinical depression, she says I like heights because I imagine them to be ambitions, and mine have not been fulfilled, thats why this glory with heights and suicide. She pretends she knows it all and maybe she does it.
But if any of my ambitions have drowned .. I dont know of it. If I ever fostered an ambition, I don’t know of it. All i know is … this puff will be my last .. I will finally embrace the ecstacy of freefall

… it was a lovely show .. my life … but the best part to me is the climax…

-Sujoy